also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
