I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize