Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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