Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
