you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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