After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
