Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Randomize
