So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
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