Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
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