Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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