I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I supernannyed him into submission
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
