At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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