Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
