I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
