I hate all girls vehemently.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
