i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
