I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize