I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize