White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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