This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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