is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
