i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
