I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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