I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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