I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize