I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Randomize
