Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
40s are totally the cure
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize
