I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
