Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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