Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
How external is "for external use only"?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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