Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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