My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
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