I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
