Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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