i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Randomize
