I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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