the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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