Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
