I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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