true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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