I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
