the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
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