Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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