Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
