Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Randomize
