you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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