I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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