i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
