Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I am one with the molecules
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
