Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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