can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Randomize
