Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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