his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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