There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Randomize
