new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
