i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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