he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
The beers last night were like the tears from god
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
