I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
